It has been my hobby to put myself down and look at other people as enemies who are only there at happy times but when tough times came, they were nowhere to be found. I can say these because I’ve experienced it. I’ve been left behind, talked about, pin-pointed to things I didn’t do, teased and deceived. Hard part is, nobody, except myself understands me.
I used to have a friend to whom I share my laughs and rants. We both hate same people and laugh around each other like siblings but then, he has this characteristic that I cannot contain. I believe he is my friend but what I don’t get is whenever I try to ask help from him, he never fails to have excuses. Even if it’s already obvious that he just doesn’t want to help. My point is I’m asking for help in a nice way so why not answer me nicely in return? It’s not of much effort to say “I don’t want to help you because I’m not in the mood,” anyway we are friends right? And so I decided to just stay away. By his gestures, I concluded he doesn’t want me around anymore because I am so dependent and immature and besides, he’s Mr. Friendly so one friend gone is never a loss.
Unlike the other girls, I don’t have a companion who’s always at my side when I look at myself in the mirror or guiding the door of my cubicle while I pee. I talk to people but not much that I can open a conversation easily. Usually, they are the ones to ask while I either shake or nod my head as I answer. There’s this girl I never intended to get close with but by our constant incidental meetings in the CR, I used to get comfortable with her and that I considered her as one of my gems (real friends). But sadly, I suddenly felt the coldness inside of me towards her when I discovered something that I didn’t expect her to be thinking about me. I’m so confused. I thought we were friends but then deep inside she has this jealousy on me I never knew where she got. So again, I kept distance.
Maybe I’m too sensitive to react that way but that’s the best that I can do. I don’t have the guts to confront a person so I’ll just keep silent and walk away. No harm done. Thinking that they’re better off without me (which is true based on experience) and I’ll be better without them. I can say that I gained a lot from what I did because it gave me time to weigh things. I’m also starting to stand on my own feet and try to be as friendly as I can get. But sadly, I’m still not ready to face the people whom I feel have hurt me.
One thing I did wrong and I admit it from the bottom of my heart is saying this, “nobody, except myself understands me.“ I know you agree. I just realized that no matter how alone we think we are, there’s still this someone who’s never leaving our side, all we have to do is to call on Him and ask for His help. I remember this one night I cried so hard I can even imagine my awkwardly curled face because of trying not to make any sound. It is so hard. I feel so alone and helpless but luckily still hopeful. I prayed and talked to the Lord, still crying and asked for His help. I admitted that I can never do things alone and I don’t want to stick to people who only help me because they’re forced to help me because we are “friends”. I told my Lord that I am sorry to act that way but I know He knows me. I’ve had enough, I have to let go and so I did.
This is a lengthy and patience-testing post and you, reaching this point make me think that you are experiencing the same as I did for no one on their right mind would read an entry this long if they haven’t got any interest on what’s written on it. So sorry for making the story too long but I hope I’ve helped even just a tiny bit. Just remember, if you can’t take the bullshit anymore, let go. There are millions of other beautiful things out there for you to experience so don’t limit yourself by crying and cursing other people every night, I’ve done that and it didn’t work. Keep in mind that there’s a better place, better friends and better things waiting for you. You just have to discover it and this one I emphasize, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.